The Heart of the Matter

Lately I've been encouraged to 'talk' more about why I make what I make.  I certainly do like to talk, but frequently find myself in hot water when I do.   I am extremely opinionated and those opinions are often outside the mainstream.  Therefore I'll preface this by saying that this entry is not intended to cast any shade on anyone else's favorite Tolkien characters, scenes or viewpoints.  Likewise, I'm not looking here for any arguments, rebuttals or agreement.  This is just my personal opinion, based on my personal experience, and is intended to explain why I may seem to be such a 'one-trick pony,'  doing essentially the same concepts over and over again.  

 

In "Sauron Defeated," there is a section called "The Story Forseen from Kormallen."  LOTR was in process of development, and this collection of notes contain some of the Professor's first impressions.   

 

In his notes he writes "Sam and Frodo go into a green land by the sea?" with a question mark.  In the same set of notes he writes:  "When old, Sam and Frodo set sail to island of west."  He also wrote "In old age Frodo with Sam had seen Galadriel and Bilbo."

 

The Professor's first instincts were to keep Frodo with Sam forever.   

 

I've said previously that one of my jobs is as a scientific subject, and over the years I've had many interesting conversations with researchers.  One of the fields scientists like to use me for is 'perception studies.'  Invariably one of their instructions is for me to respond to the stimuli using my first impressions, because one's first impression is the most accurate.  

 

I feel the Professor abandoned his own first impression regarding the fates of Frodo and Sam.

 

I also feel he wanted to write some kind of poignant ending scene-- so there is that.  But I don't want to get too deeply into his philosophy, because that kind of abstract hair-splitting, removed from the immediate and urgent world of the heart, is where people-- even the Professor-- can most easily go wrong.  

 

At any rate, it cannot be refuted that his first impression of the fate of Sam and Frodo was to keep them together, even when they finally sailed.  I much prefer this version.  Both my heart AND my head tell me it is indeed the most 'accurate.'  

 

Here is where the going may get difficult or even incomprehensible for some.  From the POV of a very queer female who has experienced being backstabbed by friends, family members, society at large and even her own country, the ending of LOTR as it stands today is a profound betrayal, an untruth in a fantasy phenomenal for its truths-- a failing to follow the heart.  One would think I would have been able to deal with it-- it is fiction after all, and I'm pretty resilient emotionally-- but I was broadsided by it at a very vulnerable time in life.  I felt so betrayed by the Professor-- and by the sheer evil ugliness of the human society which I sensed even then had somehow mandated that particular ending-- that even though I 'moved on,' I have never gotten over  it.  Now that same ending probably seems perfectly right to you, but to some people it can feel unbearably wrong.  

 

Perhaps that was actually the Professor's intent, because he could be a sly one when he wanted to be, and in most of his writing (with a couple of grotesque exceptions which really stand out) his anticipation of our emotional reactions to his work seems dead-on.   

 

Let me backtrack a little here to explain something about my view of Frodo and Sam.  I am a queer girl with exceedingly high levels of testosterone, but it's the emotional intimacy of these characters which captivates me so.  It is very unusual, outside of the great legends of the past.  Label this pair however you like-- I don't think they themselves would understand the different categories modern humans place themselves into, as in all their actions they are so deeply innocent-- but they, more than any other storybook characters that I knew of at the time, possessed the heart-to-heart qualities I needed to reassure myself as a young girl in a cruel world.  

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something amazing.  The Tower rescue scene was responsible for my first-- completely spontaneous-- orgasm.  No touching involved, it was simply all that love raining down around me.  It came out of left field and almost knocked me out.  Now that's some powerful writing! 

 

*  *  *

 

I've been working on my own original science fiction story since 2010.  In this story, a band of future colonists populate the western hemisphere of another world.  Their sacred book is LOTR, which has changed with time like all legends do.  On this alien planet there are many variants of the classic story-- I'm sure I would despise many of them!-- but one of the rarest and most beautiful is called the 'White Sails' edition.  In this annotated version, the last half of the final chapter was replaced by the Professor's original notes, leaving a lot in question but keeping Sam with Frodo and relegating the 'official' ending to footnotes as an 'alternative take.'

 

I certainly won't see it in my lifetime, but I hope that someday there really will be something like a customized edition, sparing so many other young queer people the crushing heartbreak I experienced on reading that last chapter for the first time.  But I know that on some level Tolkien also recognized the wrongness of it, because snuck into the little timeline at the back of the book, we see that Sam did eventually sail.  Better yet, in the 'unpublished'  epilogue Sam explains to Elanor that he can wait because he knows he'll see Frodo again someday, and he unabashedly compares his relationship with Frodo to that of Celeborn and Galadriel.  

 

Exactly why was this material left unpublished?  I fear I already know the reason.  Even though (in the book) they're about as sexy as Pooh and Piglet, Sam and Frodo could still have been seen as being 'too close' at a time when authors could still get into trouble for portraying male-male affection.  

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised if I learned that the ending, as it stands, might have been the 'last straw' for a few very unfortunate queer teens already betrayed by a world that wants to erase them.  Stories can nourish.  Stories can kill.  I think the epilogue should be incorporated into all future editions as a failsafe.  

 

As for me, I'm much older now, a little bit wiser, and have learned the hard way to anticipate betrayal where it is least expected.   I'm not likely to be so caught off-guard again.  Certainly I'll never again allow another person's story to worm its way into my heart so deeply.  Meanwhile, my LOTR art and fics are my attempt to heal the wound that LOTR has left in me.   In my fantasies Sam and Frodo experience no more pain or heartache, get every reward they so richly deserve, and encounter endless new adventures-- together.